My Tale of Two Cities

So this was supposed to be a post-Pennsylvania Primary rant but two months and about a half dozen edits later it has taken on a life of its own.

I swear if you think this is depressing (all be it hilarious) you should have see what I originally wrote here. I would have been required to send out individual servings of Prozac with each internet hit, as opposed to now when I only occasionally pass out mind alternating substances via the internet (stay tuned boys and girls its only a few short weeks till the Nittanyproudfoot's 15th Annual Black Tar Heroin Day!)


So with out further adieu I give you what should have been the obligatory post-election rant (now would be a good time to cue some sweet entrance music I'm thinking Muse: Knights of Cydonia)........

For years I have read a website written by a man in the Mon Valley, in fact I think that his father or some other close relative was my seventh grade math teacher (sorry Mr. T, Algebra still makes my head a little fuzzy) This website (link in the side bar) spends a lot of time analyzing a topic that has become very near and dear to my heart; the image and conditions of Western Pennsylvania. Seeing as I was born here, raised here, and have intentions or at least aspirations of living here I would like to see conditions improve. The area has a bad rep and in many instances it is not entirely deserved.

There was a lot of media attention on the area in the week leading up to the election. There were even mentions of the 'port in The New York Times (motto: Read Us If You Want to Hook Up With College Girls Rocking the Sexy Librarian Look and Are Members of the Young Democrats) and The Guardian (motto: Dear America, There Are Other Bloody Countries You Know; And Stop Making Fun of My British Accent!)

For the most part the images they presented were less than complimentary but certainly not anything new. Apparently since I live in the Pittsburgh region I should be a laid-off factory worker with only a High School education and only a weak grasp on the English language. Now I don't know about you dear readers but I have yet to stop by the local tavern for a shot and a beer after a long shift at the blast furnace that I guess I should be working at. The closest thing I can think of is skipping class on a Thursday morning to drink carbombs.

Seriously, this is what a Native American must have felt like watching a 1950's Western or how the Sasquatch community felt like after the release of Harry and the Henderson's (Jon Lithgow is still a marked man is some militant Yeti circles)



Bigfoot Says......

"Jon Lithgow is a racist jerk. I laughed when he died at the end of Cliffhanger. Oh Yea and Third Rock From the Sun really wasn't that funny. Hey John, Coneheads called they want their idea back".





Think about it , the town is even type cast by the sports media. They're still using that old stock footage of molten steel along with the live view from the Incline (it goes up a hill big whoop) and someone making a Pirmanit sandwich. Pittsburgh teams are always "blue collar" just like their loyal fans. News flash guys, 2 out of the last 3 major sports teams to win major championships have been high flying hockey teams where defense took a back seat to talent and scoring. Mario doesn't drink Iron City, and wasn't too keen on playing defense, just ask Ron Francis who had to clean up after him and Jagr.

I think what upsets me more than the stereotype is how readily locals live down to them. Maybe we should spend a little less time trying to convince the rest of the of the world that our city doesn't look like Mordor with Mullets and spend a little more time acting up to the image we're trying to create. I mean we see all the hype for a new hip techno savvy Burgh but apart from shopping malls and industrial parks on old industrial brown sites where the proof? I moved back to this area 6 months ago and from what I've seen its only a matter of time before we get our own themed area at a Disney park.

Hey Kids Welcome to Pittsburgh World!

Grab your toy babushkas and hard hats and take a tour....

Straight ahead is Mon Valley Street USA, lets go to the gift shop! you can tell which one it is because its the only establishment occupying a store front that isn't a Dollar Store of an Illegal Poker Machine Parlor. Wow Weee! Look at all those soaped up windows it's like we're really there.

Up ahead just past the Fifth and Forbes Food Court is The Hall of Democratically Elected Officials! Hey Big Apple you can brag about machine politics all you want but guess what? Boss Tweed got caught. Pittsburgh 250 years of corruption and going strong! Make sure you you visit the park during April when all visitors can vote in the most important election of the year to determine which Democrat will run unopposed in November.

And if you enjoyed that you're going to love our newest addition to the park. Port Authority's Wild Ride! Hop in our State of the Art car designed to look like a Tunnel Boring Machine and travel half way underneath a scale model of the 3 Rivers. Come back in 15 years when you can actually connect to the next ride. Pirates of the Monongahela a delightful little animitronic voyage that always ends with fireworks, a bobblehead, and the feeling that those weren't real baseball players that you just saw only puppets wearing nifty uniforms. Arrgh matey set sail for the bottom of the standings!

Folks I have some bad news PAT (that is... Pittsburgh-land Adventure Trolley) service between Mon Valley Street USA and the rest of the park has been shut down to help pay for Port Authority's Wild Ride. But don't worry kiddies all this fun is just a rusted out T-Bird drive away. After all you wouldn't want to miss our next ride of the day. The Poverty Neck Hillbilly's Country Jamboree; watch as they mix the stereotypes of down-on-their-luck factory workers with country bumpkins to hilarious results! It's like the Dear Hunter and Deliverance all rolled into one!

Alright folks if you'll just follow me well wrap up our tour in Tomorrow-of- Allegheny-County-Land.

Ring..... Ring...... Ring

Hang on Gang, I'm getting a call from the parks office.........

(yes.....yes.... we were just finishing up......oh I see...ok thanks jimmy)

Hey folks I've got some more bad news. Apparently the bridge to Tomorrow-of-Allegheny-County-World just collapsed, we're going to have to wait for that sweet skeeball revenue to come in before we get it repaired. I guess you are just going to have to do a little imagineering to figure out how we get from here to the high tech metropolis waiting on the other shore.

Thanks and enjoy the rest of your day here at Pittsburgh Land, The Rust Belts Finniest Traditional Amusement Park.


Maybe this is just the elitist ramblings of some jerk that went away to school and came back filled with a little too much hot air. But if that's the case why am I still here? Face it Pittsburgh it's time to stop playing in the Amusement Park and actually fix this city.

Oh by the way can I suggest we start by tearing down Oakland?
Just a thought.

Peace out yo