Reflections on the Upcoming Zombie Holocaust

It seems like the topic of the Zombie Holocaust keeps coming up in my day to day conversations (what? You don't ponder your itinerary for the day the dead rise angrily from their graves?) . And with Beth preparing to make her zombie movie in the very near future I've found myself pondering the question What film has most accurately portrayed the zombie produced carnage we will undoubtedly see before too much longer? After a lengthily contemplation of this quandary (conducted while I was pretending to pay attention to people who were talking to me) I've decided the single most accurate portrayal of the day your brain becomes the preferred dish of a Marauding hoard lacking vital signs is............................. drum roll pleases....................................................Shaun of the Dead

OK I know I just pissed off thousands and thousands of horror fans but hear me out. Here's my proof

1. The zombies don't run

2. The dead are recently dead. I've never understood how a corpse is expected to escape from a modern casket sealed in a cement vault. Also most older corpses are rotted enough that they're probably not of much use when it comes to reeking havoc on a major metropolitan area. That task usually requires slightly more mobility than a 10 year-dead-corpse posseses.

3. The human resistance doesn't have access to automatic weapons. Shooting zombies with a machine gun takes away from the story especially when it's entroduced earily in a movie. When the undead pay you an unexpected visit chances are your not going to be cleaning your AK-47, you'll probably have to make due with whatever is lying around. The first five zombie weapons in this move are... an patio umbrella stand, a glass, some records, a shovel, and a cricket bat. Now that's how you bitch slap some unruly cadavers that just don't know when its time to turn in for the long dirt-nap.

Oh Yea, if you some how manage to live through the upcoming brain buffet be sure to purchase your official Zombie Holocaust Survivor Magnetic Car Ribbon brought to you by the good people at BizzyWeen Productions.

peace out yo

Revenge of the List-Post

A few tidbits for ya

1. I've been working crazy hours for the last few weeks and it hasn't left time for much else so I'm sorry I've sort of disappeared. I posted my Uncle Traveling Matt Outdoor Ticker hoping I would have at least some time to hit the trail before I left for school but it seems pretty pointless since I've only managed to get in five miles in the last month and a half. I would complain about my crapy summer work schedule but the hefty paycheck I'm now pulling in may be needed in the very near future.

2. And that brings me to my second news bite. My van may be on it's last legs. Just two months after I took ownership it needed three tries to pass inspection and after a few hundred dollars of repairs it still drives like there's an irate ferret chowing down on every major wire and tube under the hood. So it looks like I might need to find a new vehicle preferably one that has both a working speedometer and a gas gauge.

3. good news, i got carpet in my room. It's Amazing. I woke up this morning and when I stepped out of bed my feet were met by warm carpet rather then the icy tile that's been my morning companion since I move to the basement five years ago.

4. As you can see from the photo I'm starting to get excited about the new Batman movie. Now if I could just find that costume I'd be good to go.

peace out yo

The 3:30 am Movie Review

It's 3:23 in the morning and I just got back from the first showing of Star War: Revenge of the Sith in Pittsburgh. Now I know I've told afew of you that I wouldn't go to the midnight release and to be honest I'm not a huge fan of the movies but a friend convined me to go and everyone knows I'm a sucker for a movie that ends at 2:15 am. So I got my ticket a month ago, showed up an hour and a half early, and sat behind a kid in a Chewbacca costume. I guess what I'm trying to say is I was "seduced by the dork-side".

While I was killing time before the show I picked up the program they were giving out and attempted do the official star wars crossword puzzle/search for a witty title to this post. Well I came to the realization that I am a star wars idiot and I have no business trying to review this movie ( translation: I only got 1 answer -three across- Owen, to Luke= Uncle) So I decided my time would be better suited flirting with the cute girl two rows in front of me .

So I'm not going to spend any more time rambling about this movie. I'm sure you've all decide to see it (or not) already and what I say here won't change that.

All I have to say about star wars episode three is...

This movie is exactly what it needed to be. And it's going to make a lot of obsessed fans very happy


peace out yo, and may the force be with you

The Nobility of the Almost Human Porpoise

Two of the greatest moments in the history of entertainment can be found on in the original 1966 Batman the Movie. Before I share you all need to see this movie again it's quite possibly the most hilarious I've ever see. Now to business......



Scene One:



Batman and Robin take the BatBoat to examine an ocean buoy with a superpower mirage projector used to help steal Commodore Schmidlapp's yacht. The Caped Crusaders are unaware that The Joker, The Penguin, and The Riddler are preparing to spring their trap from the safety of Penguins penguin-shaped submarine. Suddenly our dastardly villains activate the "remote control penguin magnet" inside the buoy that immediately responds to the metallic objects in the dynamic deuo's utility belts sticking them to the buoy within range of the Penguin's penguin-torpedoes. The Joker fires the first torpedo with a fiendish cackle. But fear not, there is still hope! Batman prys loose his utility belt transmitter, he reverses the polarity and at the very last moment uses the sound was to disrupt the torpedo. It explodes at a safe distance. The Joker launches the second torpedo with the same result. The Joker launches the third and "confound it the batteries are dead" the camera moves away from our doomed heroes, then, a watery explosion. A moment goes by, then we see the Batboat speeding back towards Gothem City. Robin looks over to Batman and says "Gosh Batman, the nobility of the almost-human-porpoise". Batman responds " True Robin, It was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo......he gave his life for ours"




Scene Two:



Batman and Robin prepare to storm the evil-doers hideout with "super blinding bat-pellets" but when they arrive all they find is a giant round cartoon like bomb with the fuse burning. Batman sends Robin away the searches for a safe place to explode the bomb. He climbs a bookshelf to throw the bomb out a window, but at that very moment a three-person marching band (featuring an out of tune trumpet, a tuba, and an oversized drum) walks past. Batman climbs down from the bookshelf and runs into the bar in the next room. He tells the bar patrons to flee for their live and prepares to throw the bomb and run. Suddenly he sees two heavy-set ladies sitting at a table still chowing down on crabs and beer. He runs out of the bar onto the wharf carrying the bomb over his head. He turns the corner and sees two Nuns in full "Nun Gear", Batman runs the opposite direction only to find a woman with a baby carriage in his path. He runs off in a third direction - still carrying the bomb over his head like it was the Stanley Cup- down a one-man gang plank to a lower wharf, but who dose he see coming up the gang plank in the opposite direction? It's that dammed three-person marching band again! He changes direction and runs down a different gang plank and prepares to throw the pesky explosive into the water when a man suddenly climbs up a ladder right in front of him. He runs through a crowed of people, past Moby Dick"s Coffee Shop, he leaps up onto a bunch of boxes and lobster traps and once again prepares to dispose of the bomb in the water below. But wait! What's this? Two teenagers smooching in a boat below. This has been a tough day for the Dark Knight! He runs to the other side of the dock an find three guys unloading propane bottles an fifty-gallon drums of oil from a truck. He then sprints off and nearly hits the Nuns again, followed by the woman with babycarrage, and ofcourse that dammed three-person marching band. He runs past the band and once again prepares to throw the bomb into the water......... Ducklings! There are cute little Ducklings in the water, you can't throw the bomb there Batman! He turns around looking for somewhere else to throw the explosive and says, " somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb". Batman runs into then back out of the camera shot, followed by another watery explosion. We see Robin running to the scene, he arrives at the spot we last saw our hero and yells " Batman! Batman!" Batman pops out from behind a pile of metal tubing and says "It's alright Robin"
Robin responds "HOLY HEART FAILURE!". Batman says " Fortunately I was able to dispose that bomb in the nick of time. And shield myself behind these heavy iron pipes". Robin replies "You risked your life to save that rif-raf in the bar?" Batman says "They maybe drinkers Robin but their also human beings, and may be salvaged. I had to do it.



So take it from Batman,


Drinkers are Humans Too and You Should NOT Throw Explosives at Them


Tune in Tomorrow.



Same Bat-Time


Same Bat-Channel


Peace out yo

Grievance

A few things......

1) on the first day in probably 4 months that i didn't have my camera on me i was bombarded with pure insanity that needed to be recorded for your viewing pleasure, but alas my camera was nuzzled saftely in it's docking station far from these astounding spectacles so i'll just have to tell you about them. I saw.....

- a balding man in his mid fifties wearing a Skid Row t-shirt

- an old lady on a street corner beating a telephone pole with a purple umbrella

- and finally a bird stuck in the grill of my van (this one may need a little more explanation)

this morning i washed my car and after a close inspection i found it to be 100% bird free and lacking any trace of animal dead or alive. so i drove to the bank and when i arrived still i was unaware of any little winged stowaways. as i walked through the parking returning to my car after waiting for what seemed like at least 37 years for a teller to deposit the two checks i handed to her i suddenly became aware of a green plymouth voyager with a robin stuck just below it's hood. i thought to myself "ha ha, dude in the green minnivan's got a bird stuck in his car. Wait? um? wha? hmm? ok, why? ( there was a whole lot more of this but you get the idea). so after a minute or two of utter confusion i scraped the poor little guy of the front of my vehicle with my tire iron. im not sure if i ran into the bird or he ran into me either way it's a crappy way to die.

2) i bought a copy of Pearl Jam Live from Mansfield Mass today and for the next few hours everyone i talked to wanted a copy ( this is totally cool with me. whenever i find anything remotely entertaining i push it on anyone who has the misfortune of coming in contact with me) so just before i started writing this i got an unexpected instant message from an old acquaintance that i was unaware even had my screen name. i had no intention of ever speaking to this person again but i figured i'd be polite ( or at least not openly hostile) and talk. so i mentioned the cd's and this ass immediately went off on a tangent about how much he hated pearl jam. he spewed out a bunch of crap about ticketmaster and mtv and screwing fans by selling concert cds. What a Dumb-ass

you wanna know why i still like pearl jam?

because they are one of a diminishing number of bands that have consistently released quality music. i can name a half dozen major bands that have spent four or five years on a some garbage they try to play off as the defining work of their career. also there is no one that sounds as good as these guys live, they go out of their way to put on a good show. the mansfield cd i just bought has 48 songs on it. they played 48 songs in one concert! that's nuts most of the other bands i've seen do two or three of their radio hits then make you sit through what ever junk they're trying to force on you from their latest album.

by the way, if anyone i haven't talked to needs a copy of the cd let me know (your copy's already done beth)

peace out yo

7N on Tour

One of my favorite bands Seven Nations is going on tour. They're playing Greensberg's Community Festival Saturday May 28th at 4:30. Click Here for more tour dates and info on their new album out later this month.

peace out yo

Farewell to The University of McKeesport

I’m done.

Finished.

It’s Over.

No More.

My Two-Year stint at “The University of McKeesport” has come to an end.

For at least the next four months I can look at my computer without getting the urge to

A) creep up on it like a crazed wildman while it’s in stand-by mode, let out a primal scream, and run it through with a pointy stick.

B) cower in a dark corner of the room as my screensaver silently mocks me.

No more papers to research, no more late night writing successions follow by early morning e-mails saying class has been canceled Finally a few moments of peace. I didn't mind going to college in McKeesport but now that it's done I cant explain how good it feels to know that I will attend a real college in the fall. Finals for the most part sucked. I think the grades were somewhat decent. But the work I put into them has left me a little frazzled. I don't ever want to take a psychology or economics class again. Studying for their finals made my head feel like it was filled with week old oatmeal. But it doesn't matter now because in the words of the crazy father released from the French prison in History of the World Part I Free! Free! Free!

The Baby Pens won their first round playoff series against the #1st ranked Senators. Their second round series starts tonight at 7:00 , they play the farm team of the Flyers, the Philly Phantoms. And while were on the subject of Philly, today is the five year anniversary of the 5 overtime game between the Pens and Flyers. Keith Preamu faked out Darius Kasparittis (big surprise there) and scored top shelf on Ron Tuggnut at about three in the morning. The Pens went on to loose the next three games and haven't seen a playoff game since. Click Here to listen to tonight's game

peace out yo